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[personal profile] imli
Hello livejournal!

I have been out of touch for a while. I hope all of you are doing well, and surviving this holiday season!

I finally started seeing a brain doctor, and we're in the process of diagnosing me with things and getting me on medication. See, we'd done that, and the diagnosis was incorrect. Here's the deal: it looks like I'm bipolar, with general anxiety disorder and OCD. This has been getting worse and worse over the past year or so, and once I quit smoking in July, my mind just went totally out of whack. No more self-medication, I guess. So I set up an appt with the mental health thing in town and saw a doctor, and they diagnosed me with depression first, instead of bipolar. And put me on medication.

Sometimes, when you give antidepressants to someone who is bipolar, it knocks them into a manic episode, or rapid cycling. It kicked me into rapid cycling, so I did that for a month, freaking out and having panic attacks and crying and all kinds of uncomfortable mental states before i saw the doctor again, and we discussed the possibility that I am bipolar. So yep, looks like I am. We switched my meds. That was... a few days ago that I got on new meds? I'm still kind of manic, but the medication is making me feel a little woozy and drunk, too. I will get used to it. Even woozy and drunk and kind of manic is better than I felt last month.

But I haven't been talking to anyone, and I haven't been able to draw or write since the beginning of November. It's really sucked XD But things are heading in the right direction now, so I am relieved about that. I'm also in the process of applying for disability (DR recommended it for mental disability, plus I have a bad back and hip that's been getting worse.) I've filed the initial paperwork, and I have a dr's appt on the 30th to get some kind of diagnosis/opinion for my back and hip stuff.

I really have not been myself for some time now. I apologize if there was anyone whose feelings I've hurt, because I probably didn't realize it. I'm also sorry I've fallen out of touch with friends. I'm gonna try to reopen those friendships, because I have totally isolated myself over the months, and I miss people.

Fandom-wise, I haven't really been doing much. Still into Bleachy stuff, posted a weirdass collab storybook XD a while back when I was trying to force myself back onto the internets, today posted a cuddly Chad/Ishida picture. That is the first thing I've been able to draw in about a month, phew. Hopefully I will be able to draw tomorrow too, so I can get back to work on commissions (and take care of some of this nervous energy XD;).

Other than that, I've been listening to a lot of Elbow and Queens of the Stone Age, amateurishly crocheting scarves, and, I keep forgetting the name of this game. Which is ironic. Because it's called *looks it up* Amnesia(the Dark Descent) lolol

Also, I've made a new account on Dreamwidth, just because. If you are there and want to friend me, I am :)

Date: 2011-12-22 05:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It has been a while! Glad you're feeling at least a little bit better, a little bit is better than nothing! If they adjust your meds, the manic episodes do decrease. Mine are still here but I'm less irritable, so apparently, something's not going right, but as long as you feel good enough until you see your doctor again, it's good :) Just take your time and focus more on getting better, I'm sure those of you that commissioned you will understand you taking a break for your mental health! <3

Date: 2011-12-22 03:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
<3 Thank you! I look forward to evening out a bit, things still feel so rocky and weird XD

Date: 2011-12-22 07:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well, as I say, i'm still here. I have a friend with the same problem and it's really a scary think that illnes. I'm glad you got the right diagnosis and that you are started to get the right meds for you. I know how it feels to want to be alone to put yourself together, so I'm still here.

I hope things can get better for you <3


(I need to come back to Ygall :_D)

Date: 2011-12-22 03:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*huuuuugs back* It is kind of intimidating to know that I have this, but I've suspected it in the past, so I was kind of ready for it XD

Thank you! <3

Date: 2011-12-22 09:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
HI HI HI! *waves* Welcome back, and good for being able to start getting things sorted. It sounds like a wild and scary ride, to be honest, so I'm quite in awe of how openly you can write about everything with such self-awareness. It's great that you've got the right diagnosis now so you can work on moving forward. :) Btw, if you'd ever like to just chat sometime I'm totally around! My e-mail's and my AIM's DrSansPantalones soooo... yeah. I always feel so awkward attempting to deepen friendships, but you've gotta start somehow, right? ♥

Date: 2011-12-22 03:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hello! <3 It has been a scary ride! Eh, a lot of times I have a hard time talking about myself, but I get to points where I feel like I have to get things out :) I'm glad I have the right diagnosis too, what a relief.

I would love to get to know you better! Right now I'm trying to drag myself out from under my rock XD Once I'm feeling a bit more sociable I will definitely email you. I am also awkward at the first parts of this kind of thing, but if we're both awkward, maybe that will make it easier somehow XD

Date: 2011-12-22 02:16 pm (UTC)

Date: 2011-12-22 03:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hugs back* <3

Date: 2011-12-22 04:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It's really good to hear from you again, and to know that you're doing better and getting the right treatment. I hope the rest of the holidays are exceptional for you! *HUG*

Date: 2011-12-22 11:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you! *hug*

Date: 2011-12-22 05:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Diagnosing is half the battle, really. And meds are a total guessing game. I got lucky and found the right antidepressant on the second try, but I'm still kind of playing around with a benzodiazepene and I learned the hard way that being on the birth control pill is a very big component of my mental stability. Take it a day at a time, remember you're walking against the wind and it's okay to sit down and rest for a bit until you get your feet back under you.

Date: 2011-12-22 11:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you for that last bit. I get impatient with myself, feeling like I should be BETTER ALREADY, lol. <3

Date: 2011-12-23 12:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It's my personal mantra. Surprisingly hard to remember! I hope hearing it from an outside source will help reinforce the logical voice that's already in your head.

Date: 2011-12-22 06:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow. So sorry to hear about the ordeal of getting the diagnoses and figuring out meds and so on. It must have been (and continue to be) so tough. Glad you're doing better now! Also I am SUPER impressed you are making scarves :D

Date: 2011-12-22 11:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you :D Making scarves is a great way to keep hands busy!

Date: 2011-12-22 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It's good to see you here ♥ I'm so sorry about all the mental health diagnosis & med issues - sometimes I feel like medicine is still such an imprecise science. Or like they're throwing darts at a board. HMM, MUST BE DEPRESSION.

And now I remember I need to reschedule an appointment with my therapist. LOL.

I hope the new stuff works a LOT better for you, so you can feel better. GOOD LUCK BB!!

Much love, and merry christmukkah and all that! Don'tcha hate the new LJ look?

Date: 2011-12-22 11:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
heee, i love srs box kitteh. why won't this goddamn flap STAY DOWN.

Oh, I need to reschedule too, oops.

My doctor actually told me it was like she was looking at a huge wall of choices, and she just had to decide which one to pick this time. I was like, great XD

Thank you! I hope it does too. It seems like it is already.

Mu ch love to you too! <3 And watch your mail, I happened upon something and thought immediately of you <3

Date: 2011-12-23 03:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Big hugs to you. I'm glad that things are on track now. I'm sorry that you've had this situation and haven't felt yourself. Not being able to draw for long periods of time must have been horribly crappy :hug: I know it's difficult for me when I can't seem to draw, or write.

Lots of hot chocolate and marshmellows, as well as fluffy visions of Chad, Ishida and everything sweet to you. Crocheting sounds good as does listening to music you like. I'll be sending good thoughts your way!

Date: 2011-12-25 11:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
oh i missed you. this post worries me and i hope everything turns out well. just don't assume that a doctor knows what they are doing or cares and if you feel better with the medicine that is one thing but if you don't, don't keep taking it on faith. they said i was bipolar at first just because they like telling people that when really i'm chronically depressed and never had a manic day in my life, being called that put me on Wellbutrin for several months during which i sat in a chair and looked out of a window until my mom threw it out.. i went to many many doctors and took almost every medicine they have and mostly it was just the doctor giving me whatever they had free samples from or something, honestly the doctors make money by selling people drugs so that's what they do. i took paxil for a long time and as it did nothing to help my OCD (they dont have anything to cure OCD so they throw maois etc at the problem) and they just increased it and increased it without any real concern about me until i had brain damage from it hence my continuing um, difficulty in behaving normally. one of my cousins died from a psyciatrists negligence and misdiagnosis of meds..even though i have had problems since i was like 12 and haven't worked in the past 5 years i got denied for SSD and SSI so that is a very long and usually pointless attempt. as long as you are capable of performing menial tasks ie mopping a warehouse you get denied, so i dont know why doctors tell people to fill out the form when it is so difficult to get. idk. i just say take what the doctors say with a huge grain of salt. i have an extremely low opinion of psychiatrists and was better off when i was hyper and emotional than what i am after taking medication. i think ppl should be super sure they need it before they go down that road. especially if they are someone really artistic/talented as i used to be quite artistic myself now i just sort of sit around and never did anything like what i used to work on again. there is something about OCD that makes a great artist.. i think medication sounds better than it actually is in theory and always try to talk people out of it.. but anyway sorry that is not really my place to say anything but i love your art and don't want to see anything negative happen to you. i've had OCD since i was a kid and my best advice to anyone is to lay off the sugar and caffeine i am like a different person if i skip my dr Pepper... sigh! plus i dont want you getting too normal and never coming back to Aizen/Gin land :P j/k


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